How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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