complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
