i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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