i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
