How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
