I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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