Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
