I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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