Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
