i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
