At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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