I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
