he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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