Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
