I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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