He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
