I wish I could teleport
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
