uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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