Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
