What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
