At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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