Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
