My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
