At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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