True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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