Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
