Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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