OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
