You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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