She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
