You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
