Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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