She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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