I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
