i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
