Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
