Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
