Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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