he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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