do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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