I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
