the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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