you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize