My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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