I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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