My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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