I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
