the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
