I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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