Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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