Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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