remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
