my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
