so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My feet surprised me
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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