Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Congratulations! We have a period
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