Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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